Category Archives: Personal

Mood swings

I’m currently taking the SSRI escitalopram for my depression. SSRIs are supposed to “even out” one’s mood but I find myself having wilder and wilder mood swings, having had my dosage recently increased.

I took citalopram back when I was studying in 2010 but my GP prescribed that mainly to alleviate the stress I was having at college. I stopped taking that when I came to the Netherlands in Spring 2012; but my current Dutch psychatrist began me on them again a few months ago. I recently (about 3–4 weeks ago) went to see him and he recommended that I double my dosage. I know that it’s going to take a little while before my body reädjusts to this new intake and I think that’s why I’m feeling even more manic/depressed than I was on the original dosage.

Yesterday was a bit of a (sorry to use the term, but) …an emotional rollercoaster; and I felt suicidal for most of the day before. Going from moderately happy to (almost) hysterical: I did’t really notice that, though my collegaues did – bless ’em! But going from absolutely fucking super to suicidal in the space of 10–15 minutes is certainly something one feels.

What I’m most pissed off at myself about though is the fact that these changes in mood are usually triggered by the most trivial (and quite frankly, pathetic) things imaginable. And I end up having to take an hour off work just to pull myself back together! Sheesh!

But enough about me! This kind of post isn’t what I want to start getting into here (or anywhere); I just wanted to get it written down.



Stress doesn’t exactly affect my personal life. I don’t tend to get stressed at home, or even on the commute to and from work. That’s why I’m glad I’m in employment and not still at college: when I was following my ND Radio course at Cambridge Regional College, every evening was the time for coursework; as was the cycle or bus journey in in the morning (not that I was typing while riding my Hurricane) and back home in the afternoon; and my lunch breaks were times to obsess over things that my colleagues weren’t too phased by. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been able to survive the second and third 30-week terms. But when I started my current job, I took a vow to—unless asked for by my superiors—never ‘take my job home with me’. I’ve broken this rule a couple of times, though these occasions have been little more than writing up mountains of Post-its you could render a building with. For the most part, I never take my work home with me: work stays at work and work thoughts shouldn’t be prioritised over my personal and social lives outside of the office.

Stress did affect me a lot at college and it continues to do so to a lesser extent at work; and even less so at home. But that doesn’t mean I don’t like to get away from my flat every once in a while to clear my head. The season ticket I used to get to work every day entitles me to unlimited travel between Haarlem and Amsterdam and it’s not uncommon for me to use the train to get a little piece of quiet; not that my flat isn’t quiet already (except today, Koninginnedag) but it’s full of broadband distractions Arizona City on toast. If I really need to focus on a small project or if I just want to get some good old-fashioned book reading done (I linked that there because you might not have seen a real book before), it’s not uncommon for me to jump on an Intercity into town with my netbook. I don’t even have to get off the train – it goes into Amsterdam Centraal and then after about fifteen minutes, starts its return journey out towards Haarlem. Wat leuk.

Stations on the Dutch railway network do have publically-available WiFi, but coverage onboard is only available on a handful of services. This can be a little irritating if I absolutely must look something up but I can usually live without the citation or other information I need until the next station, where I can connect to the WiFi and so on and so forth.